


Shisui’s Really Inappropriate Best Man Speech

by jashinist_feminist



Series: My Big Gay Ninja Wedding [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Best Man's Speech, F/F, F/M, M/M, OC, OOC, Original Character(s), Out of Character, Wedding Fluff, Weddings, itachi gets a sexy sharkman so izumi gets a sexy sharklady
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-26 02:42:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14991020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jashinist_feminist/pseuds/jashinist_feminist
Summary: Kisame and Itachi have finally got married. However, Shisui decides to deliver an incredibly inappropriate Best Man speech that throws shade at and offends nearly...everyone.





	Shisui’s Really Inappropriate Best Man Speech

**Author's Note:**

> this is the second story i wrote for My Big Gay Ninja Wedding series, where Kisame&Itachi have married and Shisui decides to give the Best Man speech of the century. Prepare to be offended!
> 
> as this is a happy au, i hc Shisui&Itachi being slightly more..."mischievous" than in canon, with Shisui bringing that side out in Itachi slightly more.
> 
> special thanks to my girls Kitty&Shadow for coming up with all kinds of inappropriate gifts for Shisui to present to the wedding party, as well as the naughty things he says. All of the Hoshigaki clansmembers apart from Kisame himself are Shadow's OCs.

The room hushed as both grooms sat down in their seats at the head table, having delivered their speeches. Kisame handed the microphone to Shisui, and then took Itachi’s smaller hand in his larger one to listen as Itachi’s best man give the final speech of the ceremony.

Shisui accepted the microphone eagerly, and then stood up so that the whole wedding party could see him clearly.

“Hello one and all,” Shisui greeted into the microphone confidently. “In case you don’t already know, let me introduce myself. My name is Shisui, I’m Itachi’s cousin, one of his oldest and most closest friends. Today, I had the honour of being his Best Man as he got married.”

The room awwed and cooed. Itachi smiled graciously, pleased that his decision to appoint Shisui as Best Man had been a positive one. Shisui allowed the audience to settled, before he carried on. He turned to face both Kisame and Itachi.

“I’m so grateful and so proud to be here, I would like to take the opportunity to personally thank Itachi and Kisame for letting me be a part of their day.”

Both Kisame and Itachi continued to smile back up at Shisui, reassured by his touching words.

Shisui stretched out a hand at the table made up of the other members of the wedding party, that included Kisame’s siblings and cousins, as well as Izumi and the Uchiha cousins that Itachi liked best and had honoured with seats at a table close by to him. “On behalf of all the other ushers and the…groomsmaids, shall we call them, we would all like to say, thank you for letting us be a part of your day.”

The table clapped and cheered.

“Therefore, please can we raise a toast-” Shisui reached in his pocket and pulled out a piece of toast. The whole room burst out laughing at the cringey pun. Ayako shook her head at her son fondly, and then Shisui lifted his glass of wine. “To Kisame and Itachi!”

Everyone copied, and took a sip from their glasses.

“I think now would be the perfect time for me to tell you all about what it was like growing up alongside Itachi. We first met as children, we would train together, go on missions together, we were in ANBU together, we really were partners in crime. A lot of you all here will think of both Itachi and myself as being the pride and joys of the Uchiha clan,” Shisui beamed, gazing at the members of the clan who stared back at him with their dark eyes, wondering what on earth he could be about to announce. “Many of you who live in the Uchiha Compound will remember an incident several years back when Kenji and Youta threw _okonomiyaki_ on Rikuto’s roof. I lie to you, ladies and gentlemen. It was actually us.”

The room burst out laughing. Kisame chuckled and nudged his new husband with his elbow, while Itachi shook his head. Kenji and Youta fumed, whilst Rikuto clenched his fist and banged it on the table he sat at.

“That’s not the only naughty thing we did. We also threw eggs at Danzo Shimura’s house!”

The room burst out in more laughter.

“Oh, it’s all coming out now!” heckled Deidara loudly from the Akatsuki table.

“And another time, we snuck into the Hyuga household, and in red paint, wrote on the white wall ‘BYAKUGEN SUCKS, SHARINGAN FOREVER!’ of the main branch’s house. Then, we blamed it on Kenji and Youta again because they’d been bullying Sasuke.”

The Hyuga table shook their heads, whilst Kenji and Youta fumed again.

“Then, another time, when some of the Nara clan were being sexist to some of our clan’s top kunoichi, we kidnapped one of the deer from their forest, and held it ransom until they apologised!”

The Nara table stared bashfully away from Shisui.

“You guys, we’ve got to do these pranks on the Hozuki!” one of Kisame’s brothers grinned, slapping his palms on the table eagerly.

“No, we’re not,” scolded Tsunami.

Shisui grinned at his captive audience. “For something slightly tamer, when we were children, Itachi and I were fond of the odd video game. However, video games usually only have two controllers, and when four year old Sasuke wanted to join in, we gave him a calculator and told him it was a controller. He believed us, and sat pressing the calculator for two hours, genuinely believing he was playing the game with us.”

The whole room laughed at Sasuke who turned red.

“You bastards!” he shouted.

“Language!” barked Mikoto.

“So we grew up together, us two boys. And when we both came of age and starting paying attention to young ladies, I’ve been Itachi’s wingman from day one. I don’t know how many of you people know this, but it was my lovely cousin Izumi who had the honour of giving Itachi his first kiss during a game of ‘Truth or Dare.’”

The rest of the Hoshigaki watched amused as the Uchiha flushed red with embarrassment on Itachi and Izumi’s behalf.

“However,” Shisui announced brightly. “The experience was clearly a traumatic one, because they are both gay and one has just married a shark…and the other is dating one.”

There was a loud chorus of gasps around the room from the Uchiha, a series of ‘awws’ from the Hoshigaki, and then stunned cries of surprise from both clans when Izumi’s shoe sailed through the air, narrowly clipping Shisui’s ear.

“Is he drunk?” demanded Hazuki.

“I don’t think so,” frowned Ayako. “And that’s the worst part…”

“It’s true, imouto!” insisted Shisui into the microphone, even as he ducked away from Izumi’s shoe and the shoe smacked the wall behind him instead. “I saw you and _Tsu-chan_ sneaking off together the other day, I’m not blind! Well…at least not yet.”

Itachi facepalmed at the terrible Mangekyo Sharingan pun, before reaching for his wine glass and taking a long gulp. Kisame looked like someone had just thrown a bucket of ice cold water over his head as he realised that his younger sister’s new ‘best friend’ wasn’t just a ‘best friend’ at all.

“Is he nearly done?” hissed Fugaku, leaning across the table to face his wife. His frown lines had prominently appeared between his eyebrows and below his mouth.

“I don’t think he’s even got started,” replied Mikoto. On the other side of the table, in direct contrast, Kisame’s parents sat howling with laughter.

Shisui allowed the room to settle down, before lifting the microphone back up to his lips again.

“Moving swiftly on, once Itachi figured that ladies were not for him, I had the honour of ‘breaking him in’ during a mission on a cold dark night, where we had no choice but to huddle together for warmth. And let me tell you something, Kisame-san,” Shisui turned to Kisame directly, reached across Itachi, and clapped a hand on Kisame’s broad shoulder. “You are one very lucky man indeed.”

Itachi choked on his wine.

“He did what to our son?!” growled Mikoto. Fugaku grabbed her arm and pulled her back from flinging herself at Shisui.

“After dinner, when no one is looking, then you can beat the shit out of him!” Fugaku barked in her ear.

On the opposite end of the table, Kisame’s parents had gone deadly silent, and stared at Shisui with a calm and deadly expression. Tsunami and the twins had gone silent as well, and Izumi and the two Uchiha cousins who she sat with watched them with a worried expression.

“And as a gesture of good will, I have prepared you a little gift,” announced Shisui, giving Kisame another pat on the shoulder for good measure. Kisame flustered yet again, his nose and cheeks having turned a pretty purple colour. “This is your survival kit for being married to Itachi, and you’re going to love it.”

The whole room tittered nervously as Shisui pulled out a box from under the table. The table cloth pulled, and both Mikoto and Itachi held onto it worriedly. But eventually Shisui emerged, leaving the table relatively unscathed.

“First of all, we all know what Itachi loves. Dango, and lots of it,” Shisui held up a packet of dango to show the room. He laid it down in front of Kisame, before reaching back in the box. “Second of all, tea, he loves that too. There’s plenty in here, so Kisame, if Itachi’s ever hungry, you know what to feed him.”

The room quietened, reassured by Shisui’s slightly more appropriate gift to his cousin.

“Next, as we all know how much Itachi loves his little brother, for when he’s missing him in his new marital home, I kindly asked Sasori to make me this,” Shisui reached in the box and pulled out a stuffed doll with black spiky hair and an expression that clearly looked like the doll was sulking and trying to look cool. “It’s a Sasuke plush! So when Itachi misses his brother, and you don’t want to invite him round, because, you know, Sasuke is full of teenage emo angst and that kind of negativity might spoil the love nest, Kisame, you can just give Itachi this instead.”

The whole room howled with laughter at the doll, including Sasuke’s entire circle of friends. Naruto loudly demanded he wanted one too. Over on the Akatsuki table, Deidara’s laughter was the loudest of all.

“What a shitty piece of art, hm? Sasori clearly needs a new muse!”

Mikoto grabbed Sasuke’s elbow as he tried to climb up to go and punch Deidara.

“Sit down!” she ordered.

“But oka-san!” protested Sasuke. “That weirdo Sasori made me into a freaky puppet thing and now they’re making fun of me!”

“Next up,” said Shisui. He turned to face the table full of the Akatsuki, and then the members of their family who were both active and ex-shinobi. “Is an enema kit. You know, being a ninja, when you’re on missions, as most people in the room here know, things tend to get a little messy. You never know when you’ll need something like this. Kisame, Itachi, I’m sure you two are going to find it _very useful_.”

Hidan roared with laughter, whilst Itachi stared horrified at the enema kit as Shisui laid it down in front of him. Mikoto’s mother and father…his elderly grandparents…were sitting right in front of them, staring at it.

“Then we have this,” Shisui held up a book on kinbaku on the table where everyone could see it. Once he was sure everyone had looked at it, he laid it on the table with a proud pat. “In case you need to tie up any prisoners.”

Hidan practically screamed with laughter, and had to be held upright in his seat by Kakuzu. Konan shook her head, and then rubbed her hand across her forehead exasperatedly.

Shisui pulled out a collar and a leash. “And for when you’re settling down and stuff, and you decide to get a dog, here is a collar and a leash.”

The collar and the leash were definitely made for someone much bigger than a dog. On the smallest ring, it would have likely fit Itachi best, and on the largest, it would have fit Kisame. The whole wedding party could clearly see this. Hidan howled with laughter once again, lolling back in his chair, barely able to contain himself. Kakuzu decided not to bother restraining him again. Deidara exploded in a fit of high-pitched giggles that was a bizarre contrast to his usually low voice, whilst Konan shook her head.

“This is amazing! I love this Shisui guy, can we swap Itachi for him?” asked Hidan, as he dragged himself back upright into his seat.

“Why would I want to do that?” asked Konan.

“Well, you know, Itachi and Kisame are married now, and I can’t be dealing with getting dragged into their domestics,” explained Hidan. “What if they have a row?”

“You don’t want to be dragged into someone else’s domestic?” asked Sasori. “Mmmhmm. I know exactly how you feel. Why don’t you and Kakuzu _tell me more_?”

“That’s enough,” growled Pain.

Shisui pulled out some handcuffs. They were made from silver metal, but had pink fluffy edging around the cuff part.

“And some handcuffs! Because, as ninjas, you never know when you’ll have to arrest a very bad boy,” Shisui laid them down in front of a fuming Itachi. Kisame had turned purple with embarrassment, and they both looked like they wanted to kill Shisui.

“Who’s the bad boy then!” heckled Tsunami. The rest of the room burst out laughing. Kisame and Itachi sat seething, quivering with embarrassment and fury at Shisui.

Shisui turned back to the rest of the room. “I’m sure everyone here will like to join me in wishing Kisame and Itachi the very best, and thank them for such a beautiful day!”

Shisui pressed his hand to his lips, held out the microphone, and dropped it on the floor in front of him. It landed with a crack, and then rolled a metre away to in front of the wedding cake.

The whole room stared at Shisui in complete silence.

Then there was a single round of applause.

It was Orochimaru.

“Beautiful…beautiful!” he cooed. Tears gathered in the corners of the Legendary Sannin’s eyes as he clapped with admiration, and rose from his chair to give a solitary standing ovation.

No one had invited him.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this and weren't too offended? XD
> 
> comments, concerns, questions, fire away! i love short/long comments and am grateful for your support <3


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